Today would have been Isaac's 4th birthday. Every year around this time I intend to share our story with everyone. Well, it has taken me 4 years to finally do it and "publish" this. I wrote most of it the summer after he died but I've added some realizations more recently. If you knew us at the time and went through the pain with us, please read it anyway as I hope it is a blessing to you now. If you didn't know us then, please read it to get to know us even more.
CAUTION: This will probably make you cry so you may not want to read it in public. :) Oh, and it's kinda long...
Before Isaac
My water broke at 3:00 pm on Friday. I called James right away and told him I wasn’t sure if my water broke. I always thought it would be really definite but I was still in question. James said he was so excited and could only think about how great it would be to have our baby. We got to the hospital around 4:30 and I still hadn’t felt any contractions. In the triage room, the monitors said I was having contractions but I still didn’t feel them. The nurse noticed some meconium staining in my water. We moved to our room and started me on pitocin to help strengthen the contractions. I didn’t think this labor thing was going to be that bad if how I felt was any indication. We had visitors while I was still smiling. We took pictures of me fixing my makeup. If I only knew what was to come, I wouldn’t have bothered. I really started to feel pain around 10 pm. I was really feeling pain in my back. The nurse said it was probably because the baby was facing up. She told me to switch from side to side every half hour in hopes that he would turn. After several hours of contractions, I asked for some pain medication to take off the edge. I was so much more relaxed after that – for a bit. I felt the “uncontrollable urge to push” around 2 am. They let me start pushing twenty minutes later. I had no concept of time and couldn’t believe it was so late already. After lots of pushing, Isaac Marlin was born at 4:55 am on April 16th. It wasn’t until later that I learned his cord was wrapped around his neck and was cut before he was all the way out.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
When Isaac was born, he wasn’t breathing. The doctor cut his cord, pulled his body out, and he was on the warmer faster than James could believe. The NICU nurses were already in place due to the meconium being present just to check him, but now they were needed for a new reason. They put a bag on him and began pumping oxygen for him. His heart had looked good all through the labor and continued to beat strongly after birth. They intibated him within a minute after birth and then rushed him down to the NICU in a portable incubator which seemed to take forever to get there. So much of this seemed like a dream to me. I was still exhausted from labor and my eyes were clouded with sweat. I didn’t really understand until later how serious things looked.
They took him away to the NICU and told James he had to wait to see him until they could stabilize him. We didn’t know anything for several hours. I remember James sitting in the corner of our room in tears while no tears came to me. I remember myself saying everything would be okay and they would bring him back in soon.
Dr. Rivas, the NICU neonatologist came into our room around 8:30 am. He gave us a summary of Isaac’s condition and as he was talking I remember thinking he was going to tell us he had passed away. He said Isaac has a severe acidosis with an underlying cause being hypoxia. Somehow, Isaac was starved of oxygen. We had to give permission for blood to be given to him to help fix the acidosis. The effects of the hypoxia would have to be found out over time. I was so relieved when he said we could go see our son. We went to see him as soon as we could. They had to take me down in a wheelchair for safety reasons. We took several pictures, one of the three of us. We cried and prayed over Isaac. I couldn’t believe this little boy belonged to us and I was a mom! We were not able to stay long because he needed to have several tests done. It was so hard leaving him there. I hated crying down the halls past all the healthy babies.
We went back to our room and called our parents and Tim Burgess (our great friend and associate pastor). Tim came right away and prayed with us. He reminded us that none of this was a surprise to God. As unimaginable as it was, it was part of His plan. We later walked down to see him again and when we arrived, they needed to move him into an incubator to take him for a CT scan. I was able to pick him up for the first time to move him from his bed to the incubator. That was so special to hold him for the first time. I only wished I could hold him longer.
After he was back from his CT scan, we had many visitors see us and some even got to see Isaac. At this point, we thought his condition was going to improve; to us it was just a matter of when we got to take him home. The nurses even had me pumping and storing my milk for when his intestines could handle it. Around 11 pm, Dr. Rivas came in and told us the results of his EEG (a test which monitors brain activity). It was very bad. But we still held out hope that since that test was taken very soon after birth, that the next EEG would show improvement.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
We woke up after a rough night’s sleep to go see him. We were excited because he had begun to urinate however they had to reintibate him because his breathing on his own was so labored and he was not able to keep his airway open very well. I was anticipating when they would tell me he no longer had blood in his stool so he could receive some of my milk. I felt that if he got that, everything would be okay. We continued to get visitors throughout the day and we all remained rather optimistic that things would get better. We talked to James’ parents and they were able to get tickets to come down Monday night. James needed them here no matter what happened. My parents were already planning to come down the following weekend and I told them that would still be fine. I assumed everything would be fine by then.
I was beginning to worry about having to leave the hospital the next day. I could not leave Isaac there alone. Blessedly, my doctor came by and said she was trying to get me another night at the hospital for no charge. Later it turned out the hospital allowed us to stay as long as we needed. They even brought me meals.
That night while friends were visiting Isaac, we talked to Kathy Moody, the nurse practitioner, about the results of the CT scan but we also talked about what his long term conditions would be. We asked a very difficult question – was he going to survive or be a vegetable? She could not answer that question.
Monday, April 18, 2005
James woke up around 5:30 am and went to go see Isaac for a bit. He came back so joyful and optimistic. He said Isaac was moving his arms and legs in response to things and just seemed to be getting better. James came back to our room and my mom called. She said she could not go to work that day. A bit later, she called back and said she was flying down on James’ parents’ flight.
Isaac had another CT scan and we walked down the long hallways with them on the way. After the scan was complete, we waited in the hall with Isaac for the results. They were not good. He had developed a layer of blood around his brain that was indicative of a severe global trauma to the brain. We walked back to Dr Alba’s office in the NICU to discuss the implications of what this meant. At a minimum, it meant he would have a severe palsy. However, it may mean that he may have no higher brain function at all and would live in a vegetative state. There were lots of tears in his office but we felt we needed to learn a little more. They scheduled another EEG for that morning and an MRI and EEG for Thursday. The waiting was going to be excruciating. Sitting in his office, I had heard enough of the medical talk and I broke down. I had to go back to our room. I cried harder than I ever remember crying before because it was the first time over these few days where I realized things were not going to get better. I needed to begin to accept what was happening and pray for peace. We called Tim and he came. We talked and prayed with Tim about the options before us and prayed for a clear indication of what God would have us do. We asked God to take the decision out of our hands.
I got to hold Isaac in the afternoon for several hours. It was so wonderful holding him. I will not forget how it felt to have him in my arms. It was a big deal getting all the cords and tubes arranged. I felt bad because James couldn’t hold him that day.
So many people were visiting and people from James’ work brought him food. James and I were so overwhelmed with the prayers and support we were getting from people. Weeks later, we were still amazed at the warmth we felt from our friends. Our ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) class showered us with meals and hugs. It really brought our group closer.
Our parents flew in late in the evening and came straight to the hospital. They were able to spend time with Isaac that night before going to our house to sleep.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
We got the results of his second EEG. They were worse than the first. We still held out some hope for a miracle by Thursday’s tests. Our parents came to visit and then left for lunch. We went back to see Isaac and James finally got to hold him for a few hours. The nurse then asked if I wanted to hold him again and of course I did. After we were done holding him, we went back to the room. We cried and prayed that God would give us a clear, quick indication of the decision we had to make. While we lay in my hospital bed, we got a knock at the door. It was one of the nurse practitioners, Judy. She told us that Isaac was not able to maintain his oxygen saturation level on his own anymore and they would need to start doing some breaths for him. Up to this point, he had been intibated only to keep his airway open. But this was a clear turn for the worse. We called Tim right away. He was at our house delivering food and he came as soon as he could. We knew this was exactly what we had prayed for not a half hour before. James and I shared hospital carrot cake while we were waiting for Tim and Judy, the nurse. Tim came and we prayed and thanked God for making the decision for us. Judy came back in and we told her to go ahead and remove all the care. We decided to let Isaac go to Jesus – not that it was really our decision. Tim called our parents and got them on their way. He then went out to our car to get Isaac’s “going home” outfit because he was going home!
We went to the NICU and they began removing his IV’s and unplugging his monitors. I dressed him in his dinosaur outfit that my mom and I had picked out just a few weeks prior. I remember saying I didn’t picture it going like this. At 6:40 pm, the doctor took out his breathing tube. I was so focused on Isaac but I knew there were so many people entering his room. My doctor was there and all of his doctors and nurses were there – even the ones that were off that week. We really didn’t know how long it would take for him to go to Jesus but now we were praying for him to go. It seemed a strange switch after we had been praying for days for him to get better. Now we were praying for God to take him.
After several hours of waiting, we decided to take him back to our room to be more comfortable. I carried him in my arms down the hallway while passing many healthy babies and moms. Later in our room, they gave him a dose of morphine to make sure he was not in any pain. By this point his breathing was becoming labored at about 6 breaths per minute. His heart was still beating strong though. Right after the morphine, his breathing seemed to stop for a minute. We were so happy think that he was with God. Then the little bugger gasped and his breathing continued for several more hours. The doctors were in and out of the room as the night went on. Our parents were able to hold Isaac now. I knew it meant so much for them to hold him but I remember feeling anxious to get him back in my arms. I wanted to be holding him.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Around 2 am we were all getting very tired and our moms fell asleep. James, Isaac, and I were on the bed and I stayed awake just watching our son. I did not want to close my eyes for fear that I would miss his last moments. His breathing had slowed to 4 breaths per minute. I kept praying that it would be soon. Around 3 am we decided to move to the NICU, where we could sleep together with Isaac in a crib near us. The nurses would be closer to monitor his vital signs. I didn’t know how I was going to be able to sleep.
It was a long walk back to the NICU with Isaac in my arms and me in James’ arms. When we got to the NICU, we swaddled him in the blanket we brought to the hospital and his “It’s a boy!” hat and put him in the crib. The next moment, while James was getting our bed ready, I said, “James, he’s not breathing anymore.” I quickly picked him back up and sat on the bed. We waited several agonizing minutes hopeful that this was his time. The nurse came in and check his heart. She said it was faint. We knew it would be soon. After a few more moments, she checked again and said, “He’s gone.” I was glad to be holding him. Later, I said it felt like Isaac didn’t want to die in the same room he was born in. At 3:40 am, Dr Alba came in to confirm. We asked them to get our parents. James and I sat on the bed with him in our arms. Our parents came in and we all cried over him. It was such a mixed feeling of happiness that he was finally with God and sadness that we had lost our little boy. We called Tim and told him and he prayed for peace for us.
We sent our parents home and we spent a few more moments with Isaac’s body. The nurses came in to take his footprints and take a lock of his hair. We had to sign papers for his autopsy. Then they took him out of the room. It was so hard letting him go. I don’t know that I really slept those two hours before we got out of bed at 7 am. James took me to the shower, helped me shower and get dressed. He was really strong. I felt so weak but I was finally ready to leave the hospital. Later James said he was praying for God to give him strength to help me. God answered that prayer. I was still afraid to leave the NICU room we were in because all the time that Isaac was in the NICU, it was so hard to hear the other babies crying. It meant that they were getting better and closer to going home. I never heard Isaac cry. I so wanted to hear that. But as we left the NICU this time, I remember hearing all the babies crying. It was such a sweet sound. It was such a transformation in me. I was so happy for those other babies because it meant they were going home soon. I just needed to remember that Isaac was already going home. It just wasn’t the home we expected.
Realizations
At the time all of this was happening, we were asking many questions as to why this would happen. This was part of God’s plan for us even if we didn’t understand it. I don’t really know the answers but some of my ideas for this have come to me over the last several years. Primarily we hoped that God gave us this struggle so we could help others through our testimony. I want others to know how this has changed my life. Before Isaac died, I had been a Christian but looking back I don’t feel that I yearned to be with God or talk to God. Afterwards, I want to turn to Him for everything. I know that this experience has brought me closer to Him in ways that I never could have otherwise. He has also strengthened my marriage through this. James and I discovered things about each other in our most vulnerable moments and it has strengthened our bond.
We also felt such a peace in the days afterward and I could really feel God’s presence. I know that I will see my son again someday (2 Sam 12:22) and that gives me peace about heaven and where Isaac is.
A little bit ago, I was going through a ladies’ bible study and some of the points the author of the book was discussing spoke of suffering. The first of these points is that without experiencing the pressure, you would miss the comfort that God alone can give. When we lost Isaac, we were comforted by friends and family but not the way we felt comforted by God. And certainly not comforted by God the way we would have had Isaac lived. A second point was that our suffering always benefits others (2 Cor 1:4, 6) The author (Kay Arthur) talked about being able to comfort another because you’ve been in a situation that caused you to know God in a way not possible before. All I could think about were friends I’ve known who’ve had babies with medical issues. Hopefully what I’ve learned through Isaac’s death can help my friends with their baby’s health issues, and even create a stronger friendship.
Another point is that God carries us beyond what we would otherwise be able to endure (2 Cor 1:9). Looking back at what we’ve gone through, I can see that God was definitely carrying us through. Finally, affliction like this produces corporate prayer. It was amazing how awesome we felt when we heard about all the people praying for us. People who never even met us, all around the world. I’d like to think someone who prayed for us was affected positively through their experience with us. God probably touched more lives than we’ll ever know through our suffering and the following peace. The fact that we were drawn closer to God through this is a strong testimony that I am happy to have.
Even as we were in the midst of losing Isaac, we were trying to think of reasons this was in God’s plan or what good could come out of it. We had many ideas to help make us feel “better”. We will not know what God has planned for that until we see Him. However, as I go through my life I think God gives me new insight and a little further understanding as to why we suffered and will continue to have affliction in our lives.
Isaac’s death really changed my day to day life because I was planning on staying home with him. When James had to go back to work, it was difficult because I felt like everyone else’s life (even James’) was getting back to normal except for mine.
We began praying that God would give us clear direction as to having another child and we had many questions as to the health of a future pregnancy. I had no indication that anything was wrong the last time, so I was concerned that there would be an unseen issue again. However, we felt that God was leading us to try again and if it wasn’t meant to be, there would be a door closed. Happily, we were blessed with another pregnancy three months later – the minimum amount of time advised by my doctor. We felt that the time was right and that another baby wouldn’t replace Isaac but would help with the grieving that we were doing. My doctor watched me very carefully with weekly appointments and we prayed that all would go well. Throughout the pregnancy we were still reminded of our loss but we had faith that God would see us through (Proverbs 3: 5, 6). One year and two weeks after losing Isaac, we were blessed with our daughter, Micah. When I heard her cry for the first time, it was the sweetest sound. God is so good and she reminds me of that every day.
